All content on this blog is fictional and any resemblance with actual events are purely coincidental. When you choose to read this blog you also agree to not get offended or try and use any content to defame me as a person or anyone connected to me. If you cannot commit to this agreement you are violating the agreement you agreed to by reading this blog. I repeat that by the act of reading this blog you are committing to this agreement of not getting upset or using content in a way that could be considered an act of aggression. If you cannot follow this agreement I urge you to not read.

söndag 20 april 2014

Love is more then a word

Hugs from IngRuna

If you like me grew up in a group were the word love was never spoken nore rarely expressed in direct actions you might have also had this feeling something was missing from your life. It is a word and it might be spoken but no matter how many times it is said it means absolutely nothing unless it's followed by the action of love, which is a feeling that are shared between hearts. It's actions towards others that express how much you care for them. It's help when they need it, it's gifts that they wish for and it's an ear that will listen when they need to speak. Love is arms that will hold them when they need a hug. It's when you tell someone they are wonderful just the way they are. To know what love is makes all the difference to be any kind of sociopathic empty shell of a human being. Most people that don't seem to know what love is might not be born that way, but formed during their lives into empty shells. A few are born selfish and greedy and they will never ever feel satisfied with any amount of love you poor down their hollow black "hearts". There is just no limit to their needs as they cannot keep any they get as there is no bottom in them. It all is wasted. 

Have you ever had a child like that you know what I mean. You can love that child as much as you are able to love, you can protect the child from harm when attacked by others and you can tell that child how wonderful they are and hug them, play with them, take them out to fun trips and treat them like your very best friend. But it will not change the fact that they are never content with any of it. Nothing is good enough and whatever you do they will always in the end betray you to get their revenge you weren't even more. Much more and everything. So much more there wouldn't had been room for anything else in your life and still it would not had satisfied them. These people are like huge giants with an enormous apatite that can never be full. They are so hungry they will learn to make more and more people "feed" them as they get older. They become the demanding and often very charming people you see, everyone adores and wants to help. They make sure more and more people see them as important and deserving. They take what is not theirs to take, so others will starve. They are the ones creating hunger and starvation on our planet. These are the death makers.

What does these greedy, hungry people have to do with love? Everything. They cannot really feel for anyone but themselves. To "feel" is the word we use in my country when we know somebody. Then we "feel" somebody. To really feel for somebody is to love them, no matter if we know what they feel. We have feelings for the other, so we feel for them. It's something much deeper then to only know who they are by name and personality. To only "know" somebody you don't need to love them, you don't even need to have any feelings at all for them, just know about them a bit. True feeling human beings feel for others they have come close to, but also for others they never met and only can imagine. They can think there must be babies and families in other places, who love and laugh and cry together, so they feel for them as they realize in their hearts that these other people must be something like them in the way they feel for their children and friends. There is a feeling that these unkown people must have substance in their life just like we do and that they deserve to be happy and fullfill their lives. We can in our hearts imagine this, as we feel for them. 

Happy Easter from little bunnies

The greedy, selfish people who take from the hungry to feed their already fat bellies on the other hand, they feel nothing. They think and they know alot of things, but they feel nothing that is even close to love. They feel hungry, thirsty, greedy, needy and they feel always very entitled to take whatever they want from the maggots they feel others are. The feeling they express is that of empty contempt at most when watching people they consider below them. Not even those that cared for them, loved them, protected them, will they feel for when they don't have more to offer of value. To them others are commodities, human capital, which either can be useful or not. There is no feeling going on in the sense of loving. Cause what does love has to do with profit? So these greedy people do not really "feel" anybody, which in my native language means they do not know anybody. These uncaring, selfish people cannot feel for others so they can never have one true friend. They have followers, like groupies, who adore them like loyal dogs. They lick their feet and hope for a pet on their heads. If their dogs will not adore them and lick their feet anymore they will quickly be replaced with new ones. You will not know you were a dog until you do that, get a life of your own. 

Like I said at the beginning love is not just a word that is spoken, but a feeling you are feeling and acting out. People like me, who are raised where feelings like that are not shown and the words are not spoken will perhaps feel that they need to fix that for the next generation. They want to speak the words so their children will not grow up thinking they were not loved, like people like me did. To never hear the words can do that to a person, thinking that the words need to be spoken to make it all real, like a magical spell. I tried to speak all the words I'd liked to have heard when I was small, already to my much younger sister. I tried to tell her she was wonderful and all sorts of sweet words I had told myself when I was not much more then a toddler, cause I was never told that by any grown up ever. I imagined myself being held in the arms of my real mother, the mother who really loved me, and how she told me she loved me and how wonderful I was. She told me I was alright, just the way I was and that she cared for me, always. That gave me such a calm and safe feeling I could go on with my life, so I said those things to my little sister. It was only words and even if I did try and feel as much as I could for her it might not have been enough. Perhaps that was not my fault as she seemed so hollow. She never were a cuddly hugger like all the other babies I've cared for. We played and did alot of fun things, but she was never an emotional, loving little girl. She was so very cold, almost like she was always watching, waiting for something. It used to bug me a bit sometimes as it felt like she was lacking something. Later in life she told me she found others emotions odd and she had not such things. Even later I noticed she had started showing some emotions, but they were at odds with other things she did, as if it was only an act. 

Perhaps it truly was my fault for not feeling enough when she was a very small baby. For not showing her enough, but I doubt that's the case. I had only our parents and I turned out with emotions and she had me and she still turned out like an ice bucket. I could pick up love from small left overs tossed here and there. I loved our grandfathers sister who came and visited now and then, cause she seemed to "feel" me. She also seemed to know what I wanted, which made me feel seen. I loved a girl who looked after me for a year so very much and I kept loving her for years after she had went away. Actually, I still love her. I love her still cause she made me feel I was loved as she did things with me, played with me and took my actions seriously, like I mattered. She even got seriously angry with me for real. Little pieces of love like that held me together, and my imaginary mother who knew all the right things to say to pick my mood back up and make me feel like life was worth living again. My little sister on the other hand had had me the whole time from she was born. I had always adored her and never teased her to make her cry. I never wanted her to cry, but I cried many times myself due to her behavior. She could be very cruel and selfish from early on, which is not too uncommon when a child becomes spoiled by care and love from everyone. Anger and revenge was the most common true feelings I saw in her, but she could also look like she enjoyed it when she managed to trick someone. She seemed to enjoy lying, and I truly regret having her to lie for me, as nobody would ever give me anything I asked for, so I had her ask for things and then I bought it off her. I also asked her once to lie that I was in bed sleeping, while I was out with my friends. She must have liked that latest lie alot as she mentioned it again just a couple of years ago.

Lovers on a date?

To be honest I don't think you can change who a person really is on their soul level. Only they themselves can decide to change and stop being shitheads. So no matter how much lovelessness you give to a truly loving soul, you can't strip them totally of their ability to love. Not unless you totally break them down until their essence leaves their body and they become empty shells walking the earth like zombies. But as long as their true spirit is still with them, you can not take away their inner knowledge of how to feel others. You can harm them, cripple them, and you can certainly totally ruin your relationship with them. And at the same time you cannot heal a born empty soul. That person needs to grow a soul before it's even possible. No matter how much care and love and time you put into such a person, you cannot fix what isn't there. 

As I told you love is not just a word as love is more then a word. And I told you that people who try to fix the next generation try to use words to do it. But words soon ring empty and hollow when not followed by actions to back them up. Actions can be to show nearness to them, hugging, laughing with them, looking them in the eyes seeing them, taking them out to do things they like. All these actions will show them that they are truly loved. But when a person has been raised with no positive words, like "I love you" or "you are wonderful", and no hugging, no play together and all relationship with the parent was a pain and hurtful it's easy to feel discomfort of spending that much time with the offspring. So the words are what is left. No actions to back them up. Which will leave them hollow and in the end also this next generation will grow up thinking that their parent did not really care for real, as "words come cheap". What comes out of all that is the oversensitivity of neglect. If somebody has been neglected all signs of further neglect will be magnified when in contact again. That is, there will have been low contact to heal for awhile, to find their own feet to stand on, and then when coming back home all signs of negative feelings from the parent will be noticed, like an allergy.

On the other hand, if that allergy never had occurred cause the person was raised in an environment of support and hugs and plays together, the very same little things would not had mattered. So when someone with this allergy reports about new events, hurtful little rejections, people not knowing any of this will not understand. But those understanding will see how the smallest little things will become very hurtful. It's all due to this "allergy" which arouse from early childhood and not being seen, truly seen. Sometimes it happens that a parent fall ill during the early years of one child, but is perfectly happy and "functional" during the other children. For instance, the parent could have had some serious thing happening to them which then resulted in months of deep depression. The child small during these months will then be affected, as the parent would not "see" them properly at that time. For years on this child will suffer from an allergy the other children in the same group do not have. It does not mean this child is more oversensitive then the rest for no reason, but for a very good reason. In cases like that I do hope that it's kind of fixable if the parent when well again spend time with the child and tries to show love and care. It will not be easy though, as it is in the early years the bond is established and a child who does not feel properly loved will be harmed for life. But we can only do our best. Which is to never blame the child for being hurt. We can only say we're sorry and try again to see the child for whom they are and not for what we imagine.

Lady in deep thoughts?

It's not a matter of who's right or who's wrong when it comes to what has hurt a person. If that person truly is hurt, as there are very clever sociopaths who love to play hurt, while being nothing of the sort. But lets just talk about normal, feeling human beings, who are honest with their feelings and not out to shame and put blame on the innocent. When such a person tells you that you are hurting them there is no reason to tell them that they are wrong to feel hurt. Some really hurtful parents will even go so far as calling their hurting child "insane" for feeling hurt by their actions. Parents like that most likely have some sort of disorder and are not properly functional emotionally. Most likely it's some kind of sociopathic or narcissistic traits in someone showing such a low form or total lack of empathy. Like I said, sociopaths and such people often acts like they are the victims and when they are confronted with accusations of hurting someone, often times obviously deliberately, they will try to shift the blame over to the accuser and make out them to bullies, and themselves into the snow white holy victim. This I've seen last year with my younger sister and it was not a pretty sight to behold. Quite the opposite. Of course she had alot of heroes riding in on their white shining horses to save her from me, the wicked witch, and my problem escalated into finding out who knew I was being framed and who was being fooled. The telltale sign if someone truly are out to hurt you is that they don't care you are being hurt, so I went by that and broke all contact with everyone showing no care for me.

When someone can't even bring themselves to speak the words of love, all the words indicating support and love, it's bad. That is atleast a start, like a love spell, to start telling those you want to feel your love those things you want them to feel. You will tell them you love them, how perfect they are just being them and other things you hope will make them into stronger, selfassure persons. But it will never ever be enough. You can say all those words and then walk out on them and ignore them for hours and hours, days even. You can feel annoyed when they want your attention, even if it's not too much to ask as little people do need alot of attention to develope. This irritation will be felt and the stress of annoying will harm the young one. There is no words behind that, but it's true feelings. So to give the love spell real magic it must be backed with real feelings, real love, in every possible way there is. Whenever you truly are too tired you will speak it out, without irritation, without any subtle annoyed vibe, but honest and caring. Perhaps there will be laughter and hugs too, as you can be tired and still want to hug and laugh. Whole and loved people might find all that easy, but broken and hurt people will find it ever so hard. They will struggle to not repeat the mistakes they grew up with, and they will never achieve perfection as their experience is way too far from that. All they can do is a little better, and try to not be smug and blind. 

It's easy to think that just cause you knew what was wrong when you grew up, you can now fix it for the next generation, but it does not work that way at all. You are bound to repeat so many mistakes cause you were wired that way by those same mistakes. You will look at yourself and see that you have become, almost, what you dreaded. And when that occurs you will have to look really hard at yourself and back away from what you are doing. Look and learn. You might walk the path of love and joy for the little ones a small or a long way past from where you came, but you will never ever reach all the way as long as you grew up without what all children need to be whole. That inspite if you knew love in your heart from the earliest times, or if you have had to teach yourself during the years. If you only have been faking it, you will of course come no way at all.

IngRuna - Circle of Love

Inga kommentarer: