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lördag 5 september 2015

Evil Women From My Past

This is written in April last year, 2014: In my estimation there is something very pathological with my mother. I believe father could had been somewhat like an asperger, as mother kept saying my oldest brother was like our father, and he's an adult diagnosed aspi. I talked to a daughter of an aspi-mother, the sister of my aspi-brother's wife (also aspi) and she told me their mother was not good at showing love, though she did love all her children, she only seemed capable of focusing on one at the time, and forgot about the rest. What she told me (she said more of course) sounded like father, somebody who did care, but didn't show it too well, and he was easily manipulated by mother. He was also swayed by his sisters alot, and it's hard to know why he could be so hurtful he was many times. To me it was like things somebody else had fed him, and then all of a sudden, after we'd spent time together he treated me totally differently, positive and nice.

Mother showed all symptoms of a jealous person, got nasty whenever she saw father treated me with love and joy. She then moved on to smear him after she left him living alone with my younger sister and I remember she told me they had an incesteous relationship - but only once she said that in great anger, and then I heard NOTHING about that issue ever again. She seems to get insane, sick ideas in her head about people and she tells people who knows them about these ideas, with no proof what so ever. She's been telling people for a year now that my husband is a wife abuser, that I am mentally ill, with no proof of any of that. She just makes shit up as she goes along. I've heard so many shocking things about all the sick people she knows. She seems to be surrounded by totally psychopathic, addictive, abusive, paranoids, atleast if you listen to her side. Then, years later, she might in rare cases bring something up that totally contradicts that story she once told. 

I dont' want to go into details, but what I want to say is that doing this to people can totally ruin their lives. It's like those women scorned who tell everyone that the guy "raped" them, when he did nothing of the kind. These women totally ruins it both for those smeared guys, but also to all women who actually were raped. It's like the story about crying wolf too many times. Yes, there are women doing this, and yes, there are people lying about incest, and does that not make you upset as these people make the real abused not believed, as the Courts heard too many lies? A cousin of my children did that to her father, lied about him "touching her" when he dragged her home from her drug nest she had with her boyfriend. She was 15. It went to Court and then she admitted it was not true. So, perhaps my socialized sociopathic sister told our mother father did that to her, when he would not let her do whatever she wanted at 15? 
Father was most upset with me when I was 20 and had my first boyfriend, whom I dated for awhile before we had sex. He was the cousin of my best friend and I'd known him for like a year or two then. Father loved that boyfriend but thought I was a slut for sleeping with him before we were properly married. Which is like not in our culture to behave anymore. Then my younger sister dragged home boys when she was much much younger, and I met her first steady boyfriend when she was 16 and they had some really kinky sex going, which totally shocked both me and my then boyfriend (now my husband). He also still can't forget when she told us, like it was a great thing what she was doing with this guy. She was 16 - she was supposed to be this sweet, romantic little teenager in love. I guess it might had been easier for mother to believe all this was father's fault, but he's like a proper prude and has never ever done anything improper with me ever in that way. 

He was like an asperger or something, I think, and got all in knots if something filthy was going on. He even would close his eyes when people were making out on TV. Him and I used to joke about that together and I would hide behind the sofa and we'd laugh together, cause it felt so personal they'd do that infront of us on TV. How innocent isn't that? He believed in being a honest person tending to his family and mother is now ripping apart his character even after he's dead. She's been lying about him to and fro like forever, but hiding her hate for him behind seemingly sweet words. Pathologicals totally ravage other peoples character, and they totally destroy all relationships and they always blame their "victims". They are likely playing the victims to most people, family, friends, and even strangers will believe their vile distorted reality. I wish father had divorced her long ago, as she's such a dangerous covert narcissist. 

She can make anyone believe she "means well", "has no clue of what is going on", and "is totally oblivious to any ill will from her side or anyone she supports". I know that is not true, as her after stories are such that they will further build up pity for her and make her look like the victim and the injured party. Her stories keep changing and growing as time goes by. Back in the 90's she used to hit my babies and on two occasions me and my husband caught her red handedly. Ten years later I brought it up again as she now was at it mentally abusing my youngest child, and she denied all of it. I was of course the insane one. Shortly after that she told me the sadest story about her early childhood, which her mother (dead in March 1987) told her before she died. How my mother got slapped by a girl working for her parents, like a nanny, whom my mother had totally adored and how that changed her so she never could cry again. It sounds real, but.... 
Why did she keep hitting my children if she knew this about herself? She knew it BEFORE she hit my children and she was at that time going regulary to a psycho therapist, since she worked as such herself. So she'd be in knowledge how important this issue was to deal with to not repeat the same behavior. And she did not go around slapping my face when I was small, not all the time, but she had father beat me up on HER orders. So, that is a different pattern. The only child of my siblings telling that mother slapped her in the face was in a mail 2009 from my younger sister, and I have no recollection of such an event going on EVER in her childhood, and I was very close to my sister at that time. We talked about everything, or atleast I talked and she followed me around as I was her "nanny" since she was born and I was 9. 

To me that story about mother's nanny slapping her seems abit convenient to me, like a story to make me forget how she's been abusing my children all their lives. Mostly mentally with put downs and rotten gifts. She could make a big fuzz about buying the right gift for a cousin of theirs, and then act out in anger over having to give the same kind of gift to any of my children. And then forget to give one of my children anything, or something totally crappy for peanuts. The smile of content on her face when the small faces lit up in sadness. She's ruined more Christmases then I'm happy about as none is the proper number there should had been. So you see, I do understand abit about abusive mothers who twist and turn and make your life weird and confused, but as I did have to raise my younger sister for years I also am very well aware about how it is to truly love a person you KNOW is like a psychopath. 

I've known there was something "missing" in her since she was four and I was 13. I've read that four is the age the first real signs show and that someone close to a child will first notice this "missing" aspect then. True in my case, as I very well remember speaking those very words "there is somehing that is lacking" about her. Something emotional I also remember saying. That she did not react like others, and such things. It worried me alot at the time as normal little children would get hurt when screamed at by their mad big siblings, or sad and crying, or any kind of reaction. She'd just stare at me with a blank, indifferent stare, when I was angry for something terrible (in my young eyes) that had happened. Three years later I watched her kill a little kitty on purpose. I knew it was on purpose as I'd tried to stop her for a week. I'd tried to convince her not to, I'd tried to - no, I'd begged - the grown ups to take the kitty away from her, but they just brushed me off. 
Noone believed me when I said she did it on purpose, but they said I was nasty and lying. So I stopped telling them, even the owner of the kitty thought it was my fault in the end, as I'd not watched her better and it was an accident. I had been watching her like a hawk the whole week, saving the kitty countless of times, but had to leave her a few secs to get my bag as we were going to give back the kitty. I left my sister and the kitty (she would not let me take it from her and the grown ups would not either) on the other side of the house and told her to not move and I'd be back in a sec. I ran up, grabbed the bag, ran out to put it in the car and my sister was there already, putting the kitty infront of our family dog's face, who of course grabbed the little thing and tossed her around like a toy. Just like I'd told my sister the dog would do. She was dead before I could get to them and I was screaming. 

Our golden brother was there, inside the car, and he jumped out and started bashing me for screaming at the poor child. When I'd looked at her she was coldly watching the dog playing with the kitty's body, but now, as our brother looked at her, she had turned around to face him and she was like mimicing my upset face. To me it felt like she was just acting, as she'd first watched my face, then turned around to face him with the same kind of face on her. She's ever since then told the story how the dog, surprisingly to her, killed the poor kitty and how she cried forever over that. Everything she says seems ok, and my side of the story seems too sick to be true. So that's why I never told anyone after I first told the golden brother, who immediatly said I was wrong, not being empathic enough to our poor wounded small sister, and that she was obviously the one in pain. Right. This hurting of small pets is another sign. 

She also burnt down a forest around the same time as the kitty event, which she framed her friend for. She made everyone think she was so stupid she thought that grass did not burn, cause this friend of hers supposedly, according to my sister, had said so to her. Father used to burn grass all the time and I'd known since I was a toddler grass burnt, and she has everyone believe she didn't. Right. I bet she could make people believe that the Moon is one giant tasty cheeze too.... :) I know it sounds like I really hated my sister, but the thing is that she's done far worse things to me personally then these old tell tale signs of psychopathy, and still I loved her, knowing full well what she was. I didn't know it was psychopathy, until I made the test for her, filling in all the things I did know she'd done in her life, and I don't know all, only what she's done when she was in my care and things she's bragged about, like her sexlife. 
She cheated on her last husband, she loved to have multiple love affairs going on, was a mistress to a guy who was rich and could pay her lots of money, she drank alot, and so on. I don't know all of it, but still what I did know scored her as a psychopath for sure. What I've known since I was 13 is that she does not feel in the same way as I do. I can more relate to my narcissistic golden brother's way of feeling then hers. Atleast he seems to be passionate in his emotions, thought abit too much either love or hate then I am. Mother is kind of black and white too, as she idolizes a select few, while totally ravages others. My sister is cold as ice mostly. She makes EVERYONE pity her and attack her "victims" for her. She's been using mother, golden brother and her husband to attack me for a year. I blocked as many as I could, but mother is still reaching one of my children. I think she can on Facebook, and the sick things she writes about me there totally sadens my oldest daughter. 

She says it's really sick things, and I've told her many times she should block her granny if she gets upset with what lies she writes as it's not worth it. My mother will not stop until she either die or I crawl back and accept it was all my fault. In mother's mind - fantasy land - I am mad at her and my poor sister cause I am projecting my pain over things happening to my oldest son unto them. WHAT??? Even my golden brother has repeated this fairy tale to the Court. They all know why I broke up with them. One of the first lies mother told and which the golden brother also repeated to the Court, was that my husband was abusing me and threatening me to not talk to my family again. Again pure fiction. Never happened. It was my sister's husband threatening me, telling me to shut up, not my husband. They all know that as they were all part of the conversation and my brother-in-law and my sister made sure they all got their e-mails where they threatened me, and lied about me. 

My sister pretended I had done what she had done in the mails, and blamed me for what she and her flying monkeys were doing to me and that I was doing that to them, all on my own. That didn't sound well enough, so then mother came up with the idea to frame my husband, and tell everyone he'd behaved the way my sister's husband done. They are so sick, superior, liars, with a perfect superficial image. I know my sister has a made up CV, as she's shared it with me. To make an old relative impressed with her, for instance, she by "mistake" happened to send a copy to this relative. Who sends a copy of a CV by mistake? You just could not do that, but she fooled the old relative who wrote back a letter how impressed she was, and of course, the purpose is to make out I am jealous (mother keeps telling everyone that is what is behind all this, my deep jealously for the success my sister is). 
My sister knows that this relative is special to me as she's my godmother, so by stealing her away... She wants it all. Got a blog from a site about narcissism now which says that very same - they want it all. I checked my sister's husbands CV too, which I found on the web, and it does not show he has any proper University education either, but it looks like it when you glance as he puts down several colleges, but the time is too short. Perhaps he has some short courses. Many of his claims on his CV is what I could claim, but due to a proper education of four years on University and I doubt he really know all the stuff he'd put there. I'm sure my husband knows most of it as he has TWO University educations for like seven years together. He's the expert in both economics and computers, not my sister's husband. My sister asked my husband whenever she had a problem - proof! But on her husband's CV he sounds like a total IT-genious. 

He's just a salesperson with a lower level of economic education, and lots of work practice to lure people. He's a charmer and when I first met him I told him EVERYTHING, and obviously he's been acting excatly the way he knew I felt was the hardest to handle. I can't handle befriending a man, who then tries it on with me (behind the back of my sister and my husband) and then picks on my way of raising my children, turning back on his words. He's like done all of that, and still looks like he's the hero. The first sign something was wrong was 2005 when my sister came up on a family reunion and accused me of "hitting on her husband". She's never done anything like that before, and she was the one wanting me to be nice to her new husband so make him feel welcome, why I did talk to him as he knew nobody. My guess is that HE said that to her, and then the year after HE hit on me and tried to kiss me when I slept over. 

If I'd then told her about that insidence I knew she'd not believe me, as she even by me talking to her husband thought I was "after him". A few days after the family reunion I got pregnant, and you don't plan a new child, like we did, if you are dreaming about your sister's husband in that way. I have actually dreamt about them, but they are TOGETHER, my sister and her husband, re-marrying, moving into a new flat, and such stuff. I don't want to, but I do. I've also dreamt that her husband is a monster and that he's attacking me, which I dreamt long before he actually did. Also, the new flat dream was a true one as I found out after dreaming it. In my latest two dreams my sister was alone. In one I hugged her and told her that I've always loved her very much, though knowing who she was I still did, but that it was over between us now. I'll love the memory of that funny little girl who didn't know right from wrong and who I did my best to learn and to show love. 
In the last dream she was showing me her present lovers, telling me how smart she's become and how she could do what she wanted now, as noone ever finds out. She was like she used to be, before she married "mr Perfect", when she had all these bizarre affairs. In the dream she wanted me to see she was the same, only better to fool people. Weird dream, but then I know we share a deep psychic connection as I raised her. Mother never has raised any of us, she always dumped her children on some teen. I know it's most likely mother's idea that father should "give" the house to my sister, but he refused and only lended it to her. Mother could not have that and it's she who's been raging about this house for 20+ years, how it IS my sister's. Golden boy got jealous and mother convinced father to build a house for him too, so he's in on it aswell. Fellowship of the HOUSES. :)

This inspired me to remember more vital "signs" and to put many things together. I tend to wallow on old hurts, but it seems like I'm slowly honing in on the elephant in the room. The one who's started the sickness in my life is without questioning the holy, covert, poor little me victim, who's my mother. Those having the misfortune of seeing her real me calls her "evil personafied", but most wont go as far as doing anything to push her out of their lives, as they are all too afraid of what she'll do to THEM if they do. She's crushed one after another who stood up against her. She always makes a convincing case of being the one in the right, while she's just full of lies. Here is a secret I finally got to the core with about my mother. When she was 45 she apparently had a fling with a 25 year old co-worker. She was married to father then, and after this event he refused sex with her.

In her story this happened: This young man was smithen by her beauty and appeal and would stalk her endlessly, obsessing over her. She told me this story when she was like 65 and she divorced my father when she was 60. Eventually she would go back to this story as a proof father was in the wrong for rejecting having sex with her, as she was obviously attractive. I remember vaguely father pointing out to her she was getting fat when she was passed 40, and she got all grey haired when 42. A doctor at that time mistook mother to be father's mother, as my father looked like 30 when he was 45. Him and I are very similar looking. Dark, tall and slim. Mother is curvy, but then she got just fat and grey, and father obviously didn't find that too attractive as he made that little comment. It was in defence of her banging on about him, like she always did. Generally he stood behind her and believed anything she said. 
So, this with the young man happened when she was 45-50 perhaps, and then she tells me about it many years later, atleast she was passed 60 at the time, most likely 65. I felt for her, said that it's horrible, being stalked and such. Then, a few years back, when she was almost 80, the story changed. Now SHE was the one accused and judged as the stalker by her employer. She'd worked there for like 20-25 years at that time, and then she suddenly had all these issues with them, I remember, when I was like 15-20, which made her move away and start to work on another place. She's been telling stories about how bullied she was due to all the envy at work, but nothing ever about her being accused of stalking this man. So, when she told me I felt really sorry for her, as that is so evil. First him, the young man, stalking her, then accusing HER of stalking him. Am I a fool, or am I? Sometimes I laugh at my naivity with these people too close to me. 

I so wish to believe in them, trust them, and they are so full of lies. Most likely the young man was a flirt, and he did the big mistake of flirting with this middle aged woman at his work place, just to pass time. She read in too much in it and started stalking him, believing he was "in love with her". He tried to get away from her and she read that as "he's troubled by his deep emotions for her", and felt it was her obligation to keep harrassing him. I realize that as I once told mother about a guy who was lying about me and my family and it really hurt me, and she told me to contact him and try to resolve it. It's just that I couldn't as his lies were about me stalking him, which I didn't. He was the one doing odd things and I tried to understand. And whatever communication I would initiate with that lying narcissist, would had made his lies look like the truth. But her advice back then showed me how she would behave if she was rejected in some way by a person - stalk them.

Whatever she makes up will show what she really thinks about you. In my case I could see how much hate she has for so many people in her life, including me, as she wrote several mails to my husband about me and even after half a year made the great effort of hand writing me a letter (a short one). I'm sure she felt it was pure and honest, as she honestly thinks those vile things about me. Thinking she's the bigger person to put up with me, while projecting all sorts of odd believes onto me. I'm mad at her for lying to me for 20+ years, helping my sister in her lie for 20+ yrs. That's what I am mad about NOW and it has nothing to do with anything else I have been sad about before or what things they've done to upset me after I got mad at that very thing. This she will pretend she does not know, which is ridiculous since that is what I've been saying, writing now constantly for ONE year. They lied to me, again and again, and now they are spreading out that I was the one lying, while knowing they have been lying. 
Also it seems one of my brother's is in on the lie. It's like the BIG lie in our family, as dad tried again and again to correct them in his later years, but mother kept insisting her version of reality was the true one. She had no say, it was father's decision and my brother and sister had no say, it was father's 100% choice, and he said they were wrong. Mother used to phone me and tell me father's gone bonkers, as he claimed they were wrong. 2012 my sister showed me a paper PROVING dad right. Then she said I was lying, she never showed me the proof. Mother, my brother, almost everyone now say I'm bonkers, lying. Just like they did to father. He got very depressed and got a very bad heart from their treatment, I'm sure. Mother never stopped tormenting him, screaming at him, insulting him, 20+ yrs after she left him. She kept coming back hurting him. He tried to keep her out, but then she only stayed over at his sister's place, next door. 

Mother turned everyone against father, and he got sulky and mean to you. It's a mess, these people creates messes and they blame you for everything as you watch their messes. You feel totally helpless, as they create it and pasture all the guilt onto you. The hard part is you don't know who's starting it, who's helping out to spread the toxin. You can only guess, and my guess is my mother is to a large part to blame. But I don't think she's the only one guilty as I think those believing bad things about you, without proof, is also to be blamed for this. And avoided. This is so spot on what I felt I had to do when I read a letter my mother finally managed to write to me after I've refused to speak to the lying, projecting, nasty .... for six months. She really really tried to be nice, but what she did was showing who she is by everything she said I was, or anyone else she put down in that short letter. 

She could not even bother to make a long letter, just a short one, short sentences, lots of !!! all over the place, speaking about me in third person when actually saying something nice about me. And so on. I am thinking about doing a translation of that letter, mirroring all she says back to her. It will be a revealing story. (Done that so it's posted in my last blogpost!) I did the same to a mail I got from my sister after confronting her with her BIG lie. It was a con by her and her husband, to show me the truth, and then when I brought it up, as that subject was going to be on the menu eventually, my sister could tell her pre-manufactured sob-story how she'd innocently had told me she had lost the proof, and evil old me now lied about seeing the proof and it not being what she says it is. Sob sob sob. It was very good drama, and in her mail she says I'm insane, defaming her, and so on. So I reversed it and she's now insane and defaming me, which IS the truth as I have a witness.
They'd not planned on him to be there, but he had come in and saw me reading the proof. He did not read it himself, but saw what it was about, so hence KNOWING I'm correct. I did not HEAR about the proof, I was SHOWN the proof. In mother's letter to me she claims I'm upset on them for something totally different, which has NOTHING to do with them, so I sound like a lunatic in her letter. But this LIE by my sister, this CON, is exactly what I am upset about as that is so sick to do to a person. And I was the one raising my sister, until she was 13, and kept a close relationship to her many more years, until she got too successful to be around an ordinary person like me. By painting me in the bully clothes she wanted everyone to hate me and make them sign over a house to her for nothing. Smart move, if you're a sociopath, which she unfortunatly is. I tested and she is - 30 points, which is within the limits. Sad, but true. 

Not understanding her problem I already when 13, and she was 4, had commented on it. That there was something seriously WRONG with my baby sister. I never hated her, though she's done some really horrible things. It's like I knew as a child she truly could not see what was right or wrong, only what was in it for her. Now I believe she is the one who's been out to destroy me my whole grown up life, without me getting it. I have collected enough evidence for that now, pieces of a puzzle, leads, showing me what a hateful person she really is. Very sad, as I like to think good about others, but what can you do about reality? The proof is there, and only if I was blind could I not see them. But she's very good, and mother is on her side, and one of the brother's and the other brother dare not go against her either, even if he's the one seeing me being shown the proof. She has all on her side.

She wrote a mail to this witness of mine how happy she was he was back talking to her, that ALL of the siblings were talking now, when only she was talking to the brothers and I was left out. That is, she ment I am not one of them, and she was happy I was GONE? Another proof, she wants me out. I have so many more insane little things she's done. She seems to hate me for not putting HER first my whole life, having children of my own, not admiring all her successes (due to fake CV's?) and so on. Hell knows no fury as a woman scorned, and I moved away from home and grew up and got my own life. For that I'm doomed? Seems like younger sisters do this to their loving older ones all the time. Heard about another one, hating her older sister for this, being jealous of her, and all the older one wanted was the best for her baby sister, loving her. People sure are sick in this god forsaken world.

Luna IngRuna - Love Circle

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