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lördag 2 maj 2015

When Love Is Nowhere To Find

This will be a post about the illusion of others loving you.

Everyone needs to believe that they are loved by those that they have supported and loved themselves so that's why we choose to believe that they do. It makes us feel strong and secure so we ignore the small print, like the one way streets and the bad feelings in the gut, we get from some people. We blame it on all sorts of reasons, and just learn to live with it. When I say "we" I talk about us growing up with narcissists in our mists. Such selfish people will leave all their children feeling not loved enough, cause they never were. Not even the perfect son who managed to fake his way through life, framing others for his own sins. He could never do anything wrong and when he did he just put up a cute innocent face so no-one would have the heart to blame him. It was easier to blame someone else, and everyone soon realized that. First off it made his parents happy if they did, so it worked out fine for all - except those getting the blame, when innocent.

Not even he felt loved enough as he was a budding narcissist himself. Unable to love anyone else but himself he always belittled and ridiculed his siblings. He used them for the gifts they had, but always without ever truly appreciating them. The way he was raised he was fed the notion it was his siblings obligation to support him happily, with none or hardly no payback or any gain in it for themselves. The way such a golden boy is raised he drinks this poisonous idea into his soul with his mother's milk. Unless he'd had no predisposition to become a narcissist he was doomed from the start to become an "übermench". Despite all that he still grew up with the notion that he was not loved enough, cause no amount of love and adoration is ever enough to a narcissist. Just like no amount of support, help and loyalty is enough.
Narcissists are sharks
The big quarrel is whether narcissism is inherited or if it's taught, and I'd say it's a bit of both. Just like the truly malignant people, the psychopaths and sociopaths or what you'd call them, might be both born with the predisposition and then raised in such a way that this trait was beneficial, so I believe it is with all narcissism. It might even be the same condition, as there are covert narcissism, the malignant kind, that sounds pretty much like a socially skilled sociopath, who knows how to play people, while looking all sweet and kind. There are so many kinds of narcissists, but the main ones are the overt ones and the covert ones. When we grow up with narcissism it's the coverts that manipulates in the shadows, while the overts are those that strike you down in the open. But there are many subgroups using their own personal qualities to their own gain, and others destruction.

Realizing that the narcissists you know only care about themselves and will hurt you for who you truly are you keep your inner true emotions behind a thick facade. They never know you, they have not a clue. So the day you are totally over if they like you or not, you can write all you want to, and they will attack you, believing you write it for their sake. But they are sorely mistaken, cause you don't write to make them understand. But they will in their arrogance think all you do is for their sake, and they will attack and try and insult you horribly for the crime of expressing your emotions. Cause they will, in their infantilism, believe you write for them, but if you let that stop you they have won over your creative urge. 
Cause the truth is you express yourself for you, and for all who get what you express. Not for them - the predators - they are for real only silly clowns, so insecure, so childish, so boringly shallow. As long as you write to make them understand you, it's better for the writing to stay in the private, securely hid away from their ridicule. As soon as you don't care for their approval, their flatter and judgement, you can do whatever you like. Their words are just like any troll you meet on the net; you know they only say them to hurt you and there is nothing true in them, only envy and spite.

A few months ago my mother phoned and tried to convinced me she really hadn't meddled in our inherence settlement after our dad (they've been divorced since 1991). I knew she had, but now she claimed I got it all wrong. The proof is in the mails, and I told her. Then awhile later I got a letter where she again said she done NOTHING of what I claim. She's white as snow. She's not done a thing to harm me, and that I should not blame her for my problem with "others". Shortly after that I received a copy of the MAIL she just wrote to our lawyer, who's settling dad's estate. ALL LIES to make some of us out as envious, greedy and money grabbing. Thank you mother!
Narcissists sound convincing
Below is the mail she sent to the lawyer, translated into english as well as I know how to. This is my interpretation of the heading: "From: Shitty old hag Date: 9 februari 2015 14:37 Subject: Poor ex-husband's leftovers. To: Fucktard lawyer". After that follows her totally crap mail, which has like no base in reality whatsoever. There is no discussion about the content, since the sister refused to show the agreement, so there is nothing to argue about. I know what the agreement said, as she showed it to me after dad died, but that is just my memory of it. Since the young hag refuses to show it to us the agreement is null and void. It's no bloody will so it has no legal value what so ever. She choosed to not follow it, which was her right. She did however try to force us to follow something she'd made up from her great vault of imagination. She made up a story about the content of the agreement that was close to what the will daddy refused to sign said. Isn't that a mystery? No, it's not. She tried a con and we would not have it. The old hag's mail starts:

"Since there has appeared a discussion between my children about what was the agreement about the so called third-meadow-cottage on Oldgrub can I testify that my husband at that time (Poor ex-husband) to me said that he had given this cottage as a PREMATURE LEGACY to our youngest daughter (young hag) and that the value of the gift at a future inheritance would be 110000 crowns. At that time was only (young hag) living in South (country), all the other 3 lived in Middle (country). (Poor ex-husband) hoped to get visits sometimes and it's also (young hag) who's visited the most to (poor ex-husband) even if the others in later years moved closer."
Not much of what she says here is true actually. The old hag (so called "mother") was not married to father when all this happened. She's sounding so sweet and honest, trying to come to the rescue, but this short piece if full of lies. This is what made me totally convinced all of this is mother's idea. She was the one pushing my sister to con father to let her have sole right to use the cottage, while two of her siblings just had babies and she barely had left her teens. Father was so happy that after the divorce from mother, which occurred many years after she moved away from him, his baby girl was moving back home with him. A few months later she tells me dad just gave her a house to live in, but she never moved back as she got back together with her boyfriend. My guess is that mother wanted her to have the house. Why? To spite the rest of her children as two of us had just gotten children? She finally filed for a divorce less then 2 months before my due date for their first grandchild. She put dad through the agony of a divorce just as he should had enjoyed to become a grandfather for the first time. Thanks mother!

So that was the first lie in the mail, making her out as a devoted wife, ever present and in full knowledge of her dear husband's every wish. Total bull. Mother's voice is all over the will that father refused to sign, which states 110000 crowns for the house. The agreement I read had no such sum in it and it was no will, so it was not legally binding. The disagreement is that my lying sister wont admit to showing me the agreement and nothing else. The content of it does not matter as it was not legally binding. It does not even matter that the lawyer - the fucktard - tried to con us into believing that oral agreements with a dead man was legally binding. What a joke he is! First he says the agreement I was shown by my sister is not legally binding, then he tries to con us that her made up fiction of an oral agreement is. Does he think we were born yesterday? Please, give me a break, fucktard. He just proved to me that being a lawyer is equal to being a crook. A rotten to the core slimeball. If dad wanted to give the bitch the house for 110000 crowns he'd not changed the will to 210000 crowns and then still not sign it. Which totally proves that I and my good brother tell the truth, since he came in and saw me reading the agreement. He even read one paragraph himself from it before our sister rushed away with it and never showed it to us again.
Narcissists are abusive behind closed doors
The old hag is on a quest to make sure that her will gets it's way after her poor ex-husband's death. Indeed, this is her will as her dear daughter (the young hag) already has taken the offer for her part of the farm and forgotten about the shitty house, which she hardly ever visited and so often complained about to me to be just another burden. But the old hag won't have it, that her daughter does as she wish. She has to meddle, and she makes sure that I wont find out by first lying to me and acting all insulted that I could even believe she'd meddle, then she sends this mail behind my back to the lawyer. She continues her lies, trying to make it out that this house is all the baby girl ever got, while in reality she got far more then me even when we left the house out of the equation. Mother lies to him and makes it out that her oldest son, whom she always tortured and been very mean to, is the one with the most gifts. In reality both boys got the same, but the oldest one was more upfront, while the younger tried to hide all his gifts. By doing that it was very hard to find all his gifts, so what was proven in the end made the oldest look more favored. In reality we're all sure the younger son got far more then anyone else, and that has even the youngest sister said. Actually, she was very much sure of it and upset over it. 

"(Poor ex-husband) had the wish to be fair to all. The other children have also gotten PREMATURE LEGACIES of different kinds in the form of money or contribution to car, etc. In later years he had problems with the memory. The only notebook he had was old envelopes, which he handwrote on. From what he said to me has (nice first born) gotten more money from his father then the rest during the later years (poor ex-husband) lived. It should be documented." 
This from the woman who wish to pretend to be like the lady in the picture. Yeah, right, sure. She tries to sound so nice and caring, but she's acting to help one of her children and one only. She's being sly in what she writes as she first lies about still being married to father when he gave the house to her daughter, which I can prove is a total lie as she lived far away at the time and they divorced in 1991 officially. The house was according to what this sister says given to her in 1992, so several months after the official divorce. But, mother left the mutual home long before this. I left home in 1984 and very shortly after that she also left as I was the one taking care of both my sister and my stupid brother's dog. I used to pretend it was my dog, as he had said I could have her, but she was bought to him and hence given to him and so the dog was actually not mine. But he was clever, as as soon as he'd said those words he started calling the dog mine, and by doing that he could make everyone blame me for whatever the dog got up to when he was out with the dog doing stupid things. It was like brainwashing and both him and baby sister and mother are good at brainwashing people.

Mother is sticking very close to the truth in her mail. Closer then she normally does, but she got so much wrong in the fine print as the lawyer already has all the information he could get on who got what and it was the greedy baby sister who started to put all these old gifts together and nagging about it. She did it only days after dad died to get us when we all were feeling rotten. That's what shitty people like her does, set traps for people who are mourning. At the same time she and her rotten to the core husband were bashing me and my nice brother at father's deathbed that we were not mourning as much as she was. They bashed us for driving to his deathbed all by ourselves, while our sister was in such agony she had to have her husband to drive her. So therefore this perfect stranger had to pretend he cared for me, like he owned my father's death, and he came up to me at the hospitals entrance like the freaking greeting comity. It's a family business and you don't want strangers acting like they belong more then you do under such circumstances. I don't know him and he's a rude, horrible, creepy pervert who should keep his hands to himself. I don't want such man to touch me when I'm to see my father, as I want to be alone or with someone I love. Like my real relatives.
Narcissists want to take your power from you
What mother actually mostly lies about in her mail to the lawyer is that our sister didn't get anything else then the house. In reality she got 50000 crowns to a second hand sportscar once, so she's for sure gotten money to a car. She's also gotten 100000 crowns after her divorce, when she was to buy up the house from her ex. All in all the lawyer showed us he'd found 340000 crowns of pure money gifts from father to her, so there is this small hope that he realized our mother is truly that lying bitch she is when he saw her lies about this. The lawyer also knows that it's me who's been trying to get rid of all this shit about premature legacies, even if all he could find on me was totally 300000 crowns. Remember that I'm 9 years older then my sister and that I have four times the many children, and that I went to university and studied for four years, which she never did. Despite of all of that I've still gotten far less then her. I've gotten a whole lot of less then our brothers too, so why is mother making me out like some money grabbing bitch with her insinuations below? The envy she talks about is her favorite daughter's, who started this mess with all her lists of old gifts almost on father's deathbed.

"I am sorry that the inheritance not seems to be able to split without conflict. Earlier there's been harmony among the siblings. The above has been known since the early 1990's and never questioned of anyone until after (poor ex-husband's) death. I am therefore surprised over this discussion, but know that it's common after deaths. The sorrow awakens aggressions and envy. Best regards Old Hag" Indeed, shitty old hag. This was a sneaky way of saying that I am a lying bitch who never saw the agreement this hag and her mini-me hag had dug out from father's house the night after he died. The paper that my sister forced me to read, and memories, as it was so damn important to her that I truly knew and understood what she showed me. So important she had to send her husband away while she showed it to me, and so special he had to mention to me before he left that I was to be told something important while he was gone. That I ought to go and sit in the sofa so his wife could speak to me about it. Oh yes, he knew him too that I was to be shown something that was not known since the 90's.
The translation and comments above I wrote today, but what is written below is old stuff I don't really remember when I wrote. I'm sure it's still as valid so I will post it even if there are repeats in it. I've been repeating the same thing again and again in all my four blogs and 13 google accounts and all over the place, since the lie has been out there so long and repeated so many times by my smearers and defamers. You know that people will believe the first thing they hear the most, and it's damn hard to change their minds once they've heard one story. The only way is to repeat the truth, but the lie has been out there so long and repeated so many times, that I am still outnumbered. Another thing is that those lying about me are lying to people in real life, using my real identity and lying straight into their faces. I'm telling the truth in secret, where no-one is looking except a few close friends and my stalkers. But the stalkers are the same people who lie about me, so they will not want to understand, show compassion, understanding, feel guilty, but they will only read my history to get more smear to use against me. That is what liars do, as they lie to destroy you.

Before I post the older text below I want to add one more thing about these folks, who lie about innocent people. They do it out of envy, just like mother tells the lawyer, but she is trying to make him think that it's the siblings of her beloved baby daughter who are envious, while the guilty one is the one she tries to protect. Mother tried to make father give her the house for 20 years and she used to phone me all upset as dad refused to sign over the house to my sister and refused to tell the house was hers even. Father was saying the house was his until he died, which is exactly what the agreement I read said, but mother would never accept it and was smearing him with bad memory and stuff like that. After father built the little outhouse to his shitty son mother also started phoning me about that, saying that father had forgotten it was their son's building. She called father crazy and senile for saying that also that building belonged to the farm, but reading his rent agreement we found late last year it says just that what father claimed, and nothing else. So it seems like we now have proof of both our siblings lying about father's wishes for these houses. Mother is also lying when she says that we knew about father's wishes, as all we knew was the brainwashing from her and her two favorites. The rest below is mostly old stuff I've written, with a few new corrections.
Narcissists speak ill about you to all you know
The truth? I have found papers to support my claim about what the paper actually said, as I found a will that dad had refused to sign. In the will he's changed the proposed 110000 kr to 210000 kr and then NOT signed it. The paper I saw was signed 1996 and this will was written 1996. So here is what I think happened. My sister was cheered on by this cow above to force dad to sign the house over on her in a will by the price it had back in the early 90's. Mother had just divorced him and taken all his money. Mother knew that I and the oldest son was in deep dept right now - in 1992 - due to a financial crises that year. So she had ALL dad's cash and she helped this sister to make dad "promise" her a house, when he was down due to the divorce, which totally crushed him. Then they kept harassing him for a few years, lying to all the rest of us that "dad gave your sister this house for FREE". None of us cared that much as we had too much other stuff to care about, like bills to pay and new born little babies. Well, not mother's golden boy as he was single and free, but us two she likes to insult with "you are just like your father", we where.

We have NEVER EVER been "envious" or greedy or any of all nasty things this evil cow has been projecting on us for years now. God knows how long these nasty women have lied about me. They are scum of earth. So she made my baby sister - whom she had ME raise like some nanny - to make a will for dad to sign in 1996 and he refused. The will was written with words clearly showing dad had NOTHING to do with the will. The words were so coloured by mother's ideas! Now she is writing and lying to this estate settler that dad DID agree to this will, when he did NOT. Her hopes was to screw us all over and make us all see that HER WILL was what mattered. Not dad's or any of the rest of us. Remember - I HAVE READ DAD'S REAL WISHES for that house, as my own sister showed it to me. Mother knows that. She's fully aware that dad never wrote that shit about 110000 kr in that paper! She does not know I found the unsigned will now in December, where dad changed their 110000 kr to 210000 kr and then refused to sign it. Then my guess is that he himself made the paper, which my sister let me read two days after dad died.
All these people seem to care about is their bloody houses, and their ideas of what they "should have". Dad did not mean a thing to these evil bastards, and neither do I. It's a bloody miracle I'm still alive after I was severely ill for like ten years without knowing, until I crashed and I was more dead then alive according to all data. But thanks to my slow deterioration I was still living, when I should not be. So then I survived and the miracle in this is that I got well. That put a big smile on my doctors face, who could not believe his eyes. He said he'd never seen someone so very ill recover like I'd done. The sad thing to me is that his smile was warmer, more caring then my own mother's, sister's and closest brother's. How wicked isn't that? So no, I'm not jealous due to their lying and coneiving as I rather be dead then a lying cow like these folks are. They all know what I read from the paper my sister showed and they are utter vile beings for their hate and lies they are spreading about us. I was saved back to life and got a second chance after so many years feeling poorly and they've managed to make these years into hell. 

I will NEVER forgive them for that and I totally blame MOTHER for all this, as she's the one behind it all. She used to say there was NO paper, then she found out in 2013 that she'd been wrong for 21 years and she all of a sudden said that "everyone always known about that paper and it's content". Not a WORD of surprise like she always knew they were lying to us - "dads' children". I suspect she and her two favorites known far more about this for years, and that they all decided to keep us out of their business. They all love to con people and have little "secrets" and I understand that I've been lied about just like so many others I've heard them smear and con. I was stupid for thinking family loyalty meant anything to them. There is no honor among thieves... Us who are out of the loop are the ones they use to frame all their own shit on. That's what I now finally figured out. So mother is framing her usual target in her letter to the lawyer. But she even goes so far and frames me and her once so beloved golden son by making it out we're the only one's being spoiled by dad. 
Narcissists fear their own death the most as they have no soul
The lawyer refused to talk to me for ages and wont listen to anything I tell him really. It's like all I say goes straight through his ears so after he refused to reply to my offer to buy the whole estate together with my nice brother I stopped trying to communicate with that fucktard. I feel so hurt and badly treated by him that I came to hate the lying bastard. He's committed a crime to help my sister out, you know. He's supposed to be impartial, but I've gathered evidence that he's been lying to help her and also the closest brother to get all they wanted, while us two others would get nothing of what we asked for. We'd end up in the swampland, with a small piece of nothingness, and they'd get the whole farm, despite me saying I wanted to be bought out if they were to get the farm. We said we wanted to buy the farm, if possible, but he refused to even consider that possibility and told us we had too little connections to the place, while making it out like the brother visiting the place once every second year a few days had stronger. 

He promoted the sister like she almost lived there, while knowing she spends every second weekend in their house by the sea. The other weekends they entertain guests in their home in town. So when are they at the farm really? Once in neverland? The wicked thing is that after I took care of my sister all my youth and left home when she was 13 mother also moved away. Still she loves her mommy more! That wicked cow who dumped her to be raised by an emotionally wounded little girl who'd been physically and emotionally abused her whole life. Indeed a perfect parent of choice! Still I did my best for that little girl and honestly hoped I'd had done her good by always supporting her and cheering her on, like I never was. Mother stayed away from home for 7 years until my sister was 20, when she suddenly divorced dad. The very next year she helps her in convincing everyone dad just has given her a house! Maybe he did promise her it, but then he must have changed his mind, as he never signed it over to her. Not even the will says what mother claims to the lawyer, as it also says the house was to be given AFTER dad died. 
The paper I read clearly said that, so no questions. And what's more... It said to the price it has AFTER DAD IS GONE. Which is now. Not 1992, not 1996, but 2015 is the time the estate will be settled, hopefully. So that's what it said. But it was NOT A WILL, so it's not legally binding. And guess what? After all their hate and evilness I will NEVER agree to anything these nasty people want ever again. I want them OUT OF MY LIFE and out of my children's lives. All mother ever wanted was to get dad's estate sold. My sister almost wanted to settle the estate, but now mother has interfered too. Not only "crazy" closest brother, who's totally vile these days. So filled with hate that he makes up stories on top of his head to be able to hate me even more for things I've never done or said. Two crazy people both standing behind my sister who's lying her head off. Sweet combination. She's the one showing me her agreement with dad. Why? A touch of guilt for their plan to rip us off? Sentimentality for all the years I did EVERYTHING for her? Or just to frame me for talking about it afterwards, which is what she's done. 

BUT - our oldest brother walked in on us when she showed me it, so he knows that I'm telling the truth and she's a liar. That both our brother and mother do not care about that shows that they are all in on this scam. They did not budge one second when they found out I was telling the truth! So they both know and have agreed to smear me instead like this. I will not say any more now on this as I have a life to live and all this does is make me even more sure about my decision to NEVER have any more to do with either of these evil people ever again. Any doubts about their true intentions and agendas have slowly eroded away with every smear and lie they've put out. It's like the poem I wrote when I saw that my closest brother did not believe me - I need to leave them behind as they do NOT care for me at all. Everyone tell me this, that they want me to hurt and they wish me ill and that I need to understand these are very bad people doing such nasty stuff to me. I think I finally have gotten it and I need to leave them in the past where they belong. 
Narcissists think there is no eternal punishment for their crimes
Life can be beautiful when you keep beautiful people with you. Loving and honest people who just wish you to be friends. People who have suffered and come through and now just want peace and love in their lives. Normal enough people who's recovering from this life of conners and lying bastards that's we've been born into. Good people who treasure the woman who raised them in love, and don't stab her in the back cause a nasty cow who never cared for them bribes them with stuff. You know, mother once gave my sister a painting that she claimed was expensive. The way she said it I thought like 10000 kr or something. Guess what? It was worth ten to twenty times that much. Makes me wonder how much else she's given her darlings... I am pretty sure I will not get anything from her when she dies, as she's already made that clear back when we almost did not make it and had several small toddlers to take care of in the 90's. 

On dad's funeral she also told my oldest brother this nice news, that he'd not get a penny from her. Nice cow indeed... Oh, yes, she filed for the divorce 1½ month before I was due to give birth to her first grandchild. There are too many weird sick stunts and I most likely have only unravelled less then 1% of them, as I put them all in a dark corner and never looked at them. Ignored them all, just like all the shit my sister pulled at me. I am starting to remember and she's an evil cow that one too. I just loved her too much to understand she did such things just to bring me PAIN as she did as a child and kept doing again and again. The same sadistic stunts mother used to pull, more or less. Creating loss, confusion, guilt, just to see me squirm. God how much they must hate me, those two women! But like I warned my sister two years ago, she'll be met with Karma if she doesn't change her ways, if she lies under cursed oaths and acts against the powers of origin. No-one can fight the inevitable and there are lessons to learn here in PURGATORY nobody can outsmart with lies.

Luna IngRuna - Kärlekens Cirkel

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